Abusers who charm are not persons of niceness but merchants…

Abusers who charm are not persons of niceness but merchants of niceness.

Like a merchant expecting something in return, abusers give their generosity in exchange for your compliance.

This is why excessive charm can suddenly become excessive anger the moment a demand isn’t met.

@wademullen on twitter

Ok…I have a confession; I’m a recovering nice guy.

I don’t want to give the impression that all nice guys are in it for the abuse BUT there is a type of nicety that flows from joy and freedom in Christ and there’s the other type of nicety that exists to manipulate.

This became very clear to me when I learned about the concept of “covert contracts.” This is a deal that you make with someone without them knowing about it. When they violate the deal, they deserve whatever punishment comes. For example:

I’m a door opener. I hold the door open for everyone. BUT, I used to get upset when I held the door open and I wouldn’t get that “thanks” from the person I held the door for. I used to think “your welcome” in that ironic snarky way. The contract is, I open the door for you and you validate that I’m a nice guy for doing so. If you don’t validate, then I retaliate. I didn’t mean for that to rhyme but I’m going with it.

This isn’t “niceness” - it’s manipulation. In this case, I was not a nice guy but a “merchant of niceness” like Wade describes. Learning this was the revealing of the matrix for me; I started to see area’s of my life where I was not a nice guy at all but a dealer in niceties.

I pray to be a person of niceness and not a merchant of niceness.